p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
