I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
