You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Randomize
