So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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