So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
