ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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