So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
