his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
