Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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