I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
