I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
