dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
