I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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