This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
