and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
