I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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