i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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