My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
