I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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