i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I believe in your delicious
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
