I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
