My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
