I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
there is another microwave in the elevator.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
