What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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