I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
