Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
