1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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