I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
