I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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