this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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