Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
