An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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