The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
