idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Randomize
