I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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