I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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