that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
