I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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