Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Randomize
