I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
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the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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