You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
