he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
