we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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