Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
