I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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