i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
