Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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