I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
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