Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes