If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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