textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
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