Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
