I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
