No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
