do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
